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Relationships - Part 2
Needing Others for Pleasure Let us examine how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit and distort our experience of love. We create relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humor, tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even his or her beauty. Yet, if he or she stops providing these for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, do we continue loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned, and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and perhaps revenge? The condition here is that "I love as long as you provide me pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings change." It is conditional love. Needing Others for Affirmation We may also depend on someone for affirmation. This may take various forms. 1. We are affirmed when others obey us. "You listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I will stop feeling love and unity with you." This becomes a problem for parents when their children move into adolescence. This can also occur between spouses. In many countries a wife might be suppressed at first, and thus, the husband feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, she begins to think and act for herself, he begins to panic and can become angry and sometimes aggressive. The roles may also be reversed where the woman controls and feels affirmed. 2. We also feel affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This could occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or between the "savior" and the "needy." In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of co-dependency. Some of us find meaning in life because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not, our love is mixed with our need to be "needed". In such a case, we need to give, offer, and sacrifice in order to feel useful, worthy or boost our self-image. If this is the case, then all that we offer in these situations, all our sacrifices, are actually for ourselves and not for the others. That does not negate the fact that others may actually need us, or that we also simultaneously have feelings of altruistic love. We are often motivated by two or three motives simultaneously 3. A third aspect of this attraction for affirmation is the situation in which we "love" those "who affirm our rightness", either verbally by telling us we are right, or simply by belonging to the same social, political, religious or spiritual group and thus embrace a similar belief system. "I love you because you agree with me, you are like me, you affirm me". If they change beliefs and convert to another political party, religion, or spiritual group, will we feel the same closeness and "love?" Perhaps yes, perhaps no. A fourth aspect of this affirmation principle is infatuation - called "Eros" (in Greek "erotas") or "falling in love". In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level. This is a special attraction etween two persons who excite, bring joy to and stimulate each other positively. This positive stimulation often has to do with the needs for security, pleasure and affirmation. This intensity of these feelings seldom lasts more than a few years. The couple then has the possibility of transforming their "Eros" into a steady form of unconditional love, or facing the sadness of conflict and / or separation. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the other's various negative aspects, and if we cannot love them as they are, the relationship suffers. Until we are able to love unconditionally, we will be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We will be able to do this only when we have matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth. In other words, we can love purely only those who we do not need. When we need others, we cannot love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first, but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both a happy life and spiritual evolution. Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Basic Relationship Problems
WHAT HAPPENED? We were so suited for each other, so in love, so happy together. We had so many dreams. Our first moments together were full of joy, happiness and the excitement of being close to someone who loved us and understood us. We were so sure that we would live "happily ever after". We never thought that we would arrive to this state of lack of communication, misunderstanding, distancing, indifference and even competition, aggressiveness and verbal violence. What happened? How did this happen? What can we do so as to be loving again as we were? SOME REASONS WHY RELATIONSHIPS DETERIORATE 1. Lack of education in effective communication. We have not been educated in how to communicate openly and honestly. 2. Poor examples - Role models. We learn through imitation. We contain within us much more of our parents? programming than we are aware of. We have recorded subconsciously the ways in which our parents behaved and communicated (or did not communicate) between themselves, with us and with others. We now mechanically repeat this type of communication with our partners, children and friends. We tend to create the problems similar to those that existed in our childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative, we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, out of reaction, we may do the opposite, but this is also a programming. If we are having communication problems with our loved one, it may be useful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may actually be simply a projection of a problem with one of our parents. 3. We do not take responsibility for our reality. Our beliefs create our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us. It will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. He or she will just harden his stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if down inside we know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as we are being blamed. 4. We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations. We believe that the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us that which is lacking within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence and self-acceptance in all situations. 5. Fear of what the others think. We create considerable tension when we want to place limits on or seek to change our loved one?s behavior, so that we can be accepted by others. When we pressure a loved one to change, not because what he is doing is morally wrong, but because we need the society?s approval, he or she feels that we are putting others above him in our heart. We are placing our needs for acceptance or recognition above our love, acceptance and respect for our loved one and for how he or she needs and wants to function. Perhaps we should ask, "what is more important to me? This affirmation, based on appearances, or maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?" This is an especially important question for us, as parents, to ask ourselves concerning our children. Whether we want to force our children to fit into a social mold, and risk losing our communication link with them, or whether we prefer to risk loosing social recognition for the sake of maintaining our communication. Remember, we are not talking about sacrificing ethical values, but rather, subjective and often quite superficial and materially oriented social values. 6. Lack of energy. I have seen a number of relationships fall into disharmony and even separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall to a dangerously low level and became a negative element in that relationship. When we do not care for our bodies, energy and mind, they begin to function defectively creating negativity for ourselves and those around us. We have less clarity, less patience, less understanding for others? needs and problems. A person without energy is naturally ego centered because he needs to take. He is naturally defensive, because he feels he needs to protect himself. He does not feel safe. When one person in a relationship is in such a state, then problems are created for everyone. When both are in this state, then the relationship cannot last long. We have an obligation in any relationship, whether it be emotional, professional or social, to offer others a being with quality. No one likes an emotionally polluted environment, full of complaints, criticism, negative thoughts, negative feelings, blaming, fear, hurt, anger or depression. We would all like to live in an environment flowering with positive emotions of love, joy, laughter, pleasant and positive thoughts and feelings. That requires energy. We can create and maintain a high level of energy by eating properly, and daily practicing exercises, breathing techniques and deep relaxation techniques as well as positive thinking. We also need to get enough sleep. Vitamins may also help. For details concerning these techniques check out our web site. 7. We carry the past around within us. We do not live in the present. Throughout the years we have formed a mental image of who the other is and now we see our image and not the person. This image is unfortunately permeated with many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions concerning the other, which we have made, through our inner subjective beliefs and programming. We distort our perception of reality and of the others? motives. We often think that the other is trying to harm us, when this is not, in fact, his or her motive. The other is simply functioning out of ingrained needs and beliefs. He or she is probably not even aware that what he or she is doing is offensive to us. Or, if the other is aware, he or she may find it difficult to understand why we are bothered by a certain behavior. The other may also be unhappy that we are creating this hurt within us through his or her actions, because this is not his or her motive at all. We tend to hold a running account of how many times the other has hurt us, or disappointed us, in some way, and, when we interact with him or her, we have this "balance sheet " hanging in front of our eyes. Holding on to the hurt of the past prevents an opening to who the other actually is in the present. This accumulated resentment, or feeling of injustice, obstructs our clear perception and communication in the present. We need to learn to forgive and approach our loved one as if for the first time, forgetting whatever he or she may or may not have done in the past which has hurt us. If we can remember that there is a divine law which allows only what is ecessary for our evolutionary process to happen to us, we will realize that our partner (or any other person) was only the means by which this experience came to us. We have been the creators of everything anyone has even done to us. This may be difficult to swallow, but it is true. Thus, there is no one to forgive, except ourselves for creating such a reality for ourselves. Let us forgive ourselves and the others and start each day a "new" relationship with those close to us. 8. We cannot imagine harmony. Many of us cannot imagine a harmonious relationship. This may be because we have experienced negative childhood role models. Or perhaps we have lived now for so long in a negative relationship (or have had a series of negative relationships) that we cannot imagine ourselves in a positive one. In such a case, we would benefit from learning to project positive thoughts and images while in deep relaxation. While in the relaxed and concentrated state, we can imagine the person we want to improve our relationship with immersed in light, well and happy. We can bring to mind five positive qualities that we can respect in the other. In this way, we create a positive image of the other person. Then, we can imagine ourselves together with the other in a happy, harmonious relationship. We can imagine ourselves communicating in various ways, talking, dancing, loving, walking, working together etc. Some of us have difficulty in imagining such a positive relationship. In such a case we should realize that our own negative subconscious (or conscious) thought-form is a serious obstacle towards creating a happy relationship. Thus, in some cases although it may seem that the other is the aggressive one who is doing injustice to us, as long as we are unable to imagine a more positive reality, our negative expectations are as much responsible for what is happening as is his or her behavior. The solution is to work on changing our image of ourselves and the other, and of how our relationship can be. 9. Inner Conflicts. Inner conflicts often externalize as conflicts with our loved ones. When beliefs, needs, values or desires conflict within us, we project those conflicts onto those around us, especially those closest to us. We believe that they are in conflict with us, limiting or resisting us, when in reality, one part of ourselves is limiting or resisting another. Then, when we harbor feelings of resentment or blame towards the other, he or she in turn feels abused, as he or she feels innocent of our accusations. The other, in fact, will often take the opposite side in a conflict. Not because the other really believes so much in that but, more so, because we, through our doubt, are sending him or her subconscious messages which force him or her to take this opposite stance so that we can work this issue out on a conscious level. We believe that the other is conflicting with us, but the reality is that we are conflicting with our selves through him or her. When we have come to an inner reconciliation between our various conflicting needs and beliefs, we will find that the other will be freed from his temporary antagonistic role and the external conflict will disappear. For example, we might start a new diet or a path of self-improvement or exercise a new freedom, behavior or activity. As long as we doubt, or have an inner conflict about making these new changes in our life, the others will resist, criticize, ridicule and even become aggressive with us. This will last as long as we are not sure of these changes, or not sure of our right to make them. It is also prolonged by our need to prove to the others that we are right, by arguing, or converting them to our new way. This is a serious mistake that must be avoided. It creates unnecessary conflict. 10. Need conflicts. We will discuss the problem of need conflicts in our relationships and possible solutions to them in later chapters. If we care for our bodies and minds, they will care for us. Healing Your Painful Relationships
At some point in our lives, we have all been through a break up, What is one thing humans attempt to avoid at all costs? Pain and the slow process of healing. We're a quick fix generation. It's possible, through energy and spirit, to get to the core and heal the issues. I like simple, and perhaps this approach will appeal to you. Relationships are our greatest teachers in life. They can mirror the issues we need to heal in ourselves, or act as catalyst for the changes we need to make, or help expand our capacity to test and move closer to unconditional love. What's the first step? ACKNOWLEDGING OUR FEELINGS! Heard the expression 'children should be seen and not heard' ? Some of us have been taught since childhood that it's not acceptable to express emotion/show our feelings. Some people believe that feelings only get in the way, or believe if they express emotion, others will think they are out of control, and won't want to be their friend, let alone their lover. So we learn to play the game of looking perfec lest anyone see that we aren't who we pretend to be. By experiencing and acknowledging our feelings, we are a step closer to naming the issues in our lives that need healing, as well as coming a step closer to connection with whatever you perceive to be your Higher Power. Moving along in the process of feeling/healing, we first identify the emotions that we're experiencing besides anger and fear (those of us who are out of touch with our emotions find it easiest to identify anger or fear). The emotions we experience are those that we choose to experience. Many of us have stuffed our emotions for so long that we are no longer aware of exactly what we're feeling. This is often present in those that jump from one relationship to another. We must learn to get beyond what we think we're feeling and into the body of emotions that have been lost to us. Sometimes we begin working with those emotions that we feel the strongest. We have to get out of our heads and into our guts and feel these emotions. Intellectualizing is a safety mechanism that protects us from things that we are not able to handle from our past. The trick is to determine when a belief/reaction no longer serves us, clearing that, replacing it with a new one that assists us in our growth and the ability to live a life with purpose. It's not possible to think our way through this territory, we have to gut it out, and allow ourselves to feel and experience these emotions without judgment. Then, it's time to look at them, and then take them out for a test drive and see how they feel when exposed to the light of day. Each emotion encloses a message that will lead us toward our healing. TOSS OUT THE VICTIM We are spiritual beings, here on earth trying to have a human existence. Spiritual beings are part of their source; they cannot be separated. And if we are part of our source, which is your Higher Power, then we are powerful beyond measure. We just don't recognize it! It is our true nature to embody and exemplify unconditional love. There are only 2 emotions: love and the lack of love, better known as fear. Only in the absence of love, can we feel fear and think ourselves victims. As victims, we give away our power to other people or circumstances. Most of the time, we make this choice subconsciously. Why would we choose to give others power and control over our lives and destiny? If we choose on any level, then we can also un-choose, can't we? Sometimes we're lucky enough to have what Oprah calls a light bulb momen. This is our catalyst to change. For others, it still may require more work, going back, figuring out what feelings were present at the time that we assumed the victim role. This probably occurred during our childhood, at a time of great emotional stress, at the time of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, or during a time of trauma. We're remarkable creatures. We have the ability to create any reality that we choose to manifest. Think of the last time you went to a movie and felt as if you hated the villain. This role was created by an actor who became the villain. It didn't matter if the last film that you saw him in was great; today you really thought he was a schmuck. So now that you've located the feeling, remembered the memories, what was the purpose for assuming the role of the victim? The purpose is not to make a judgment that you were wrong to do this at the time, but to determine what need that served for you and whether it still serves you today. Listen for the answer. Your Higher Power may speak to you in any number of ways. Be vigilant to hear the answers. For some, it comes as words in your head. For others, it comes while watching a television program, reading a book/magazine, having a conversation in a waiting room, or standing in line at Wal-Mart. But if you listen it will come. WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE? Now comes the hard part. This is the part that we have blocked because it's been so painful for us to look at: the part we played in the situation. In any situation that had enough impact in our lives to shut us down, there is a reason that we chose to participate. Now you think why would a child choose to be abused? or why would I marry an alcoholic? There is a reason. We have to ask and be willing to listen. The answer will always have to do with the lessons that we've come to learn, no matter how painful. Sometimes a soul agrees to participate as the victim for any number of reasons, but could include: 1. Finding your healing and healing others 2. The abuser would have a victim and have the opportunity to turn toward the light for their healing and forgiveness 3. Your soul agreed to this role before you were born 4. Many abuse victims learn to tap into their psychic abilities and help others 5. To help you learn strength and boundaries 6. To enable you to remember who you really are, a soul that cannot be harmed, or any reason that the angels share with you. We have chosen this episode for a specific reason. If we hide from that reason, we continue to bring hurtful situations into our lives until we take the opportunity to heal. All we have to do is ask for our true purpose in the situation and then listen for the answer. It will come!
Yes, it begins as soon as we are able to see the things that need to be healed. It's like making the decision of wanting to grow mold in the dark, or growing roses in the sunshine. The most beautiful moments in our lives happen in the light of spirit's love. You've identified what you need to heal. Now what? We send it away to be purified. Let me give you an example. Say that the issue you ultimately identified was abandonment (began in your childhood, continued into friendships and relationships as you matured) Begin by imagining what abandonment might look like. So you say that it looks like a big, dark, gooey ball. Yuk! I don't want it!! Close your eyes and imagine that big, ugly, gooey dark ball in the palm of your hand. Hold out your arm and feel the weight of that ball in your hand. Imagine the ball surrounded by the pink light of love, warming it's surface, softening it. Let it be surrounded in the pink for a minute. urround that pink in a soft shade of green for healing. See all of those ridges and indentations begin to smooth out. It feels a bit lighter. Now it's time to let it go. Ask the Angels to take this ball of abandonment to the light for healing. Feel it lifting from the palm of your hand, rising into infinity until you can no longer see it. Lower your hand and thank the Angels for lifting this burden from you. Breath deeply and slowly. See the pink and green light slowly descending from the heavens into the top of your head. Feel it slowly ooze into your head, all warm and wonderful. Feel it move down through your throat and into your chest cavity. Feel it encircle your heart. Feel the love and healing come into your heart and into your soul. I need to mention how you may still feel about the person or situation that caused you this hurt. The hurt of abandonment has come back into your body healed and whole. But what about those that you may feel caused this? Just as you have been healed by Spirit, so can those who need it in their lives. If you have trouble with this process, I suggest reading Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. It will help you understand why forgiveness is important for you and your sou's journey. It is possible to forgive another who is trying to have a spiritual experience and not forgive the act itself. CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP Just to make sure that we have adequately addressed the issues that need to be healed, it would be best to re-visit that memory one more time. See if you experience any changes in perception. If you see or feel nothing, you have healed this issue. If there is still some emotion left, you will want to do the process again. That doesn't mean that you've failed your attempts. It means that there was more to the situation than first met the eye. Once you have tried the process, you will find that it is far less intimidating the second time. Remember, each person/situation in our lives comes with an invitation from us. They come for blessings, for lessons, for our highest and best purpose, for our healing, and to lead us down our path. Mostly we need to remember that they come from our spirit. Perception is everything. Like making lemonade from lemons. We just have to use the right recipe. Dusty is a Licensed Spiritual Counselor, Addiction Counselor, and Mental Health
Professional. Visit her at: Main 'Relationships Index Page'
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