Life After Divorce

Sometimes I wake up and try to remember how I used to feel. Back when life had a shape, love had a focus, dreams a reality. I try to remember the feeling of my skin being touched, my heart being ignited like a fire catching the wind on a barren desert night. The electricity of a kiss. Storms of passion circle in my mind. I feel the pain rising to the surface and I sob bitter tears of regret, strong waves of shuddering emotion pulverize my shaking heart as I try to be a warrior in the face of negation. Grace under pressure. The courage to be is a lifeboat I cling to as the dark clouds swirl around my soul tearing away at the structures I have called home for years. The comforts of home, the basic necessities of heart and mind are turned inside out and I look at my world turned upside down.

The roof drips with the foundation I used to walk on, the dreams that had spread like glue through four individual lives, together called a family, is suddenly dripping down the walls like some ugly massive explosion in a microwave. That mess will take years to clean. Memories stuck to the glass door that has slammed shut between now and then. Yellowed with time, it is antique already.
It’s been less than a year. Years of love, the moments of joy crash upon the shore of my definition of who I am. Huddled in front of a campfire my energy is fueled by my fear of a cold
void. I feed the fire, throwing in the chunks of memory that defined my life for the past 20 years. The pile of memory wood is never ending, it in fact seems to grow by my selfish focus on grief. The crackling embers, the firewood still wet from tears. The rhythm of every single day, every single minute, every single second pound inside my head, like the sound of the water lapping on the shore. Constant, annoyingly cadenced, reassuringly present. I try to gain warmth and sustenance from the flames that lap around my eyes. My skin is pierced by pieces of flying debris, burning at an atomic level into my soul.

The wind is blue, dark and wet, and despite the knowledge that all this will pass, all we be well, the platitudes of recovery just bounce off the wall of my healing heart digging away at the shallow reassurance that wisdom comes from pain. I feel cold, empty daggers of ice shoving their way into the depth of my soul. All this will pass they all say, but the dark teal clouds that are rolling towards me, purple like a deep bruise, followed by black and only a glimmer of light in the very distant moon that dances in a playful teasing way. Come find me, its tiny annoying, yet all powerful voice calls out in a mocking way. Laughing at my feeble attempt to rebuild, restart and redefine. ‘I dare you to come search’ it says, (teasing) for release, jump into your future feet first, heart last, but first you have to create your vehicle of transformation, the suicide car that will
drive me from the old world where I live today and the carefree, sparkling world of dreams. Tuscan dreams at the movies speak of a fantasy rebirth, an illusion of Hollywood.

The world where I used to feel is running in a parallel universe to me. Colored by the reality that the man I called my husband for years is living a new life of passion, kisses and dreams with a woman he may love for another 18 years. Or 18 months. Who knows. The gods have other plans for him I say to myself, but the love I felt so deeply refuses to let me hate. It all comes back to love. The fire catches a gust of wind and my hair is caught in a shimmering explosion of multi colored light that I frantically reach out to capture. Instead, my hands are burned and the blood is sticky and warm with sharp glass fragments sticking out. The tears gush out of my heart and the fire is suddenly a cold and blue grey ash. The moment is one of clarity and death. I look into the sky and see a trail of sparkling colors from emerald to purple bliss, like a comet that comes
once a century, I feel I have experienced a moment of true understanding and been blessed with a unique chance to view my life actually taking shape –past and future captured in a spark
of hope. Just a tiny spark, but I take it to be a sign, a gift of possibility.

The world where I used to question the tiny moments of my life as if I were icing a cake. We had everything, everything sweet and light. The nourishing creation of my children’s lives, adding the ingredients of unconditional love and patience, hope and the magic of forgetfulness. The pain and mistakes are transmuted in the depth of a sequence of memories that, at the time, seemed so incredibly important, so amazingly real. The decisions, the day to day vision of a bigger, grander world. My children who will find joy in their moments, find blessings in the small things while focused on the big things in the world.

Like a birthday cake with the candles blown out, there is a sense of hopefulness, that somehow the wish that rushed from the heart as the candles were blown out, flickering in the winds of change, defying the fact that dreams don’t come true all the time, that the chance that wish will come true is as remote as the distant vista of their past successes. As the icing starts to melt in the sun of time passing, grace under pressure allows an ignorance of the fact that the moment is passed, the wish has been declared, now the hope for just a small response from the god of dreams. My grief could devour an entire cake of dreams in a single setting. I am hungry so I consume the memories in a panic, as if they will dissolve and disappear if I take my attention off of them. I panic that eighteen years will vanish in a moment of cosmic negation if I don’t watch
them every minute. A mantra of hope. I cling to the shapes, the words that nourished my soul, the places my body traveled in time seem an illusion, so I eat and eat and eat and eat.
Still hungry for that one combination of thoughts that will secure something permanent. The wind is picking up again and I reach out for something to hold on to. The desert sand stings my face. The sky is churning, the darkness is overwhelming. I drink the poison of my anger in violent and bitter, sad and manic passion. One gulp of pain that fills my heart with a thousand painful calories. I feel heavy, overweight with grief. It is time to stop eating and start breathing again.

Where do I walk? How do I dream? I just don’t know anymore. Spinning in circles, I can hardly breathe. My life is a contradiction between the world of life that I know must be courageously declared and the inner pain of defeat and withdrawal that shouts priority. And so each day, one step after the other. One moment in time. Exhale.

Every act of kindness is heartbreaking. A lady call Felice, responds to my online auction for a treasured watch. I need the money but I also need the memory. She tells me that she would love to buy my watch, has always wanted one like it (just like I did years ago) but she understands the sentimental value. Reaching out across an anonymous online void, we connect. She understands. I cry.

Every memory now is like an overwhelming weight of emotion. I want to be lighter, to float over some of this drama. My heart is breaking. My head is hollow. I try to go on each day, making a cup of tea the water sizzles and steams and I go away somewherein my head, remembering balconies with private mornings, Indian tea at the Raj Vilas in Jaipur, green tea in Shanghai, white tea at our favorite Thai restaurant. Coffee from a thermos on the beach. I get dressed and the memories of beaches and flowing saris and jeans on our summer trip to Yellowstone, the soft pink suit I wore for my wedding, the stark and sacred nakedness of our lovemaking. I wash my face, remembering the parties, the operas, the secrets and the nights where streaks of lipstick told of a wild kiss.

I hear my toothbrush like a drill reverberating in a void. My mind is empty of depth, I skim the surface, afraid to go towards the center of my grief. I circle it like a person gazing at a dead body, carefully waiting for it to jump back into life. Poking at it with fear and dread. Is it really dead? I look at my relationship with a morbid curiosity. Lifeless. I want to shake it, hug it, kiss it back to life. The scream is pounding in my chest and I almost can't bear it. I want to go back in time and erase all the hurtful words, dilute the pain with the wisdom of time and understanding. I see it all so clearly now but it’s just too late. I have gained so much wisdom but at such a price. Then there is the loss of trust, the memory of love. I am tangled up in the mind numbing intimacy, the inexplicable contradiction of marriage.

They say all things will pass and of course this is true. Each day, my ex husband shrinks a little more. I have carefully placed him inside a little coffin, inside a tiny cage in a remote corner of my heart. He lives there in a kind of dream, quietly watching me spin in the memories of our time together. Most of the time he is quiet and the pulse of memories bounce off the painproof walls I have built. He watches me cry but doesn't hear the pain. Some days he breaks out and gets into my blood, circulating through my body like a virus he infects every moment with his presence. I take the medicine of hope and like a lion tamer guide the screaming beast forcefully back inside his cage. Every time he shrinks a little more until I hardly feel him breathing anymore.

Margaret Manning is the author of *Life After Divorce,* a weblog offering resources, links and articles for women who find themselves in a 'state of ex' after the breakup of a relationship. Her articles are designed to empower newly single women to rebuild their lives with grace and passion. Dumped, deserted, divorced divas join the excitement at http://margaretmanning.typepad.com/

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Divorce Secrets

Do you cringe when you hear the word divorce? 'Divorce' conjures up thoughts of sorrow and unhappiness. When you say you are divorced the response is, 'Oh, I’m sorry'. You hear condolences for the 'death' of your marriage. Next question is, 'Are you dating?' Then if you say no they always ask, 'Why not?'.

Many people think you can’t possibly be happy if you are alone. Loneliness is a choice. I am often alone but I am rarely lonely. Many of my clients say that they felt much lonelier when they were in a bad marriage than when they divorced. You can choose to make lemonade out of lemons.

Overcome your post-divorce loneliness and handle insensitive comments. Follow these simple tips:

1. Don't tell people you are divorced (with a sorrowful look in your eyes). Smile confidently and say, ' I am Happily Divorced!'

2. Feel strong, independent and happy! Soon your brain will catch on and you will feel it and believe it.

3. Remember all the things you used to love to do?Start doing them again! Pull out that old needlepoint. Start painting again. Take up photography. Volunteer for a cause you are passionate about. Read that murder mystery you have been saving.

4. Begin a hobby you have always wanted to do.

5. Pamper yourself. Take hours getting ready to go out (Enjoy the fact that there is no one there telling you to hurry up and finish)

6. Make an appointment at 4:00 in the afternoon consider yourself lucky you don’t have to “rush” home to make dinner. Be happy your time is your own now to do as you wish!

7. Spend REAL time with your children. Sit on the floor with them. Play a board game. Listen to their laughter. Let their smile fill you. Embrace the fact that you have “time to smell the roses”. Enjoy these small wonders.

8. Put your favorite singer on the stereo and dance around the house singing (close the blinds first)

A positive mental attitude will do wonders to overcome hurdles you will face in your new life. Remember divorce is not the end of THE world – just the end of THAT world. Hold your head high and keep moving forward in your new life being “Happily Divorced”.

© 2004 Cathi Adams. Cathi Adams is the author of 'Divorce Secrets: What Every Women Should Know.' This invaluable resource provides steps to ensure financial security to woman faced with the possibility of divorce. Visit her web site for a FREE report –What You Absolutely Must Know Before You Even THINK About Getting A Divorce: http://www.DivorceDefense.com

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Do you believe in 'Happily ever after'
or 'Until Death Do Us Part?'

From the time we are little girls, women are taught to believe in the fairy tale union of a man and a woman who love each other. Many women never let go of the fantasy, and when they find the man they want to marry, the end caption on their lives seems like it will be, 'And they lived happily ever after.' Unfortunately, statistics show that at least 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Some women are left without important job skills and barely enough money to support themselves, much less several children.

I find it interesting that women plan for earthquakes and floods, fire and medical emergencies, spending thousands of dollars to insure themselves against catastrophic events that have low odds of ever occurring, yet they fail to plan for the highly possible event of divorce. Of course, no woman wants to think that her marriage will be the one out of two that ends in divorce, but when the signs begin to present themselves, planning for divorce is as important as trying to save the marriage. Your future depends on it. Let me ask you...

Do you know the answers to these questions?

1. How much does your husband make?
2. What does his retirement plan offer?
3. How much does he have in savings?
4. What are his investments?
5. Where are his investments?
6. What does the family owe on mortgage, business debt and credit cards?

These are just some of the questions you need to find answers to. Most importantly, you need to know these answers BEFORE you announce your decision to divorce.

This information is essential to getting what you deserve in the settlement, so don’t leave home without it.

So when it comes down to making the final decision to divorce, quell any urge to scream 'This marriage is over!' pack your bags and slam the door on your way out. The final decision to leave takes time, and to announce your decision also takes time and preparation. With the right planning and preparation, you can save money to pay the lawyer, fund your living expenses, and give yourself a positive financial future.

Cathi Adams is the author of 'Divorce Secrets: What Every Women Should Know.' This invaluable resource provides steps to ensure financial security to woman faced with the possibility of divorce. Visit her web site for a FREE report –What You Absolutely Must Know Before You Even THINK About Getting A Divorce: http://www.DivorceDefense.com Copyright (c) 2004 Cathi Adams

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Divorce Reasons;
What Constitutes A Viable Reason
For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?

According to the Center for Disease Control`s National Vital Statistics Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages ended in divorce and 60% of remarriages end in divorce.

But, the Center for Disease Control also found that 96% of Americans express a personal desire for marriage,and almost three-quarters of Americans believe marriage is a life long commitment. I imagine that there are somewhat similar statistics worldwide.

With these kinds of statistics, its easy to see how complex it can be when people think they want a divorce, they have difficulty identifying how a truly viable divorce reason might
be defined. Wanting happiness through marriage and wrestling with what may seem an inevitable outcome (a divorce), can be emotionally and mentally challenging.

After all,it is human nature to want to feel nurtured and secure, no matter where you live!

So, if you`re thinking about getting a divorce, what are truly viable reasons for actually getting a divorce?

Each government has different laws defining the difference between `fault` and `no-fault` divorce reasons that have enough merit that allow for the divorce to be granted.

While it makes sense for you to keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to get a divorce because there may be financial considerations to think of, you should first focus on defining your own emotional or "personal" divorce reasons, regardless of what the local governing body says.

If you ask 100 people how they define viable reasons for wanting a divorce, you`ll most likely get 100 different answers because they`ll answer you from their perspective, not yours. Sure, there may be similarities to the way you feel in some of those answers about `real` divorce reasons, you may even agree with some.

But, the real answers to this question can only come from you. You have to figure out what reason or reasons would be viable in your mind in order to actually go through your decision about getting a divorce or staying married.

Some reasons that people give for getting a divorce, or wanting a divorce, are purely selfish and have no substance. An example of a reason for wanting a divorce that has no substance is not liking the fact that your spouse has constant unfounded jealousy. There is a deeper problem that exists here, and in the case of this example, it could be that the spouse who constantly feels jealousy has a confidence problem or some sort of `fear of loss`.

Whatever the case, the divorce reason in this example clearly isn`t viable and should relatively easy to fix.

Often times when people give `surface` or flimsy reasons for wanting a divorce, they really have much deeper feelings about something and they`re just using the shallow divorce reason as an avoidance of some kind. Or, they give these `foundation-less` reasons for wanting a divorce because they actually aren`t aware that there are other deeper rooted reasons that are the cause of the way they feel now.

Common reasons that cause people to think about or want to get a divorce:

*Couple has conflicting personal beliefs

*Couple’s marital satisfaction decreases

*Desertion

*Adultery

*Cruel treatment

*Bigamy

*Imprisonment

*Spousal Indignities

*Institutionalization

*Irretrievable Breakdown of some kind

Of course, you should add your own reasons to the list for wanting a divorce, better yet, make your own list. Solid divorce reasons for wanting or going through a divorce usually come from some sort of occurrence, behavioral pattern, and/or change in the viewpoint of the marriage itself.

In order to really make a smart decision, you should first list the reasons that you have for wanting a divorce, then examine those divorce reasons for true viability. Then come back to it that list in a day or so. Chances are you will be able to scratch a few of those reasons for wanting a divorce off the list because they were identified purely from an emotional viewpoint rather than logic.

If you are thinking about getting a divorce, and haven`t clearly identified what reasons you have for feeling the way you do, you`ll be doing yourself a `dis-service` if you act without carefully examining the viability each designated divorce reason.

Everyone has their own reasons for wanting a divorce, make sure that you are certain that your reasons are truthfully viable to you before you act on them.

Karl Augustine *A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce* A resource recommended by marriage counselors to their clients. Proven *Action Items* to help you decide what`s best for YOU! http://www.deciding-on- divorce.com http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/divorce-reasons.htm

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Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce
Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair?

Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or not. Inescapable feelings can come over both people that will never be forgotten by either of them. The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings. The 'partner' who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with.

The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having an extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that will be "surface level" only at first. Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to be expected, if your going to actually survive an extramarital affair, you must look at the deeper issues and get down to the real cause of the affair and what to do about it.

People in marriages don't often look at having extramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an extramarital affair and doesn't think that it will have an affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the "open" side.

For the rest of the married crowd who don't subscribe to an "open" marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital affair, things can get a bit more complex.

Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can also add to the confusion of someone having an extramarital affair, especially if the couple or one party in that couple wants to look deeper at the situation and figure out two very important things:

1. Why did the extramarital affair happen?

2. Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair in the marriage really warrant getting a divorce when both people agree upon the reason that the extramarital affair happened in the first place?

If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spite of the extramarital affair, then finding out why the extramarital affair happened and agreeing on that reason is the first step in the healing process.

If you are currently trying to save your marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramarital affair took place. If you cannot do this, chances are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your marriage most likely won't survive...or at least you won't have a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.

After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful divorce. At this point you have 2 choices...either decide in your own or decide with your spouse.

The latter is optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place indicates that you're both really reaching out for something, something you most likely didn't have prior to the extramarital affair...togetherness.

So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an extramarital affair? No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative you can be with your spouse, how 'detective-like' you can act, and how much soul searching you can do, you may just become stronger together because of an extramarital affair. It may sound odd, but that's the truth. Of course, it is entirely possible (and probable) that if you both don't define and agree on why the extramarital affair took place and work to address that reason or reasons, your marriage won't ever be healthy again and you'll never be able to healthily survive the extramarital affair.

Karl Augustine, Author of: "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

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